I had a meltdown last night....and this morning. The pressure cooker that is my life suddenly (or not so suddenly) exploded. I have to say, it's probably been a long time coming. On Tuesday, I had to wake up much earlier than normal at 6 am. Alarm went off at 5:50 am, I hit the snooze, then I hit it again...and then again...next thing I know it's 6:18. Fuck. I jump into the shower, dry off, get dressed, throw hair in a bun, slap some make up on, then gather everything I can anticipate needing for the next 13 hours of my life for work and school. I don't eat breakfast figuring I will catch something on the road, nor do I even brush my teeth. Now before you get all judgy wudgy on me, if I brush my teeth on an empty stomach in the morning, I feel like I'm going to vomit. I can't explain why this occurs, but I have to brush my teeth after breakfast, otherwise I get super nauseous. Head out to my car 15 minutes late, go through the McDonald's drive through, and then speed to Rochester for a work meeting/training, which I arrive at 20 minutes late. I've had an egg mcmuffin and an iced coffee, so I seriously need to brush my teeth. I'm officially sitting down to the meeting a half hour later than everyone else.
Then this meeting lasts forever. And as we're going over everything left to do for this project (which I've been a part of for the past year), I'm writing the deadlines in my planner, I realize all of this is happening over the next month during the same time I have finals for my grad classes. Double fuck. I feel an overwhelming panic settle in. How do you people expect me to do this?! Meanwhile I surreptitiously check my work email, and I start thinking of everything I need to do back at my office, but will not have the chance to do until the next day. Dear God, please have my supervisor come in late tomorrow. Then I check my school email, and the Marketing Simulation has a glitch and my project partner and I cannot fix one of our ads that the game has deemed "unethical." I have to email my professor to let her know we're having technical difficulties and probably will not be able to submit all of our decisions by the 5:30 PM deadline later. Then this meeting goes over a half hour later than scheduled (Karma biting me in the ass for being late perhaps?). I finally get to escape to my car where I try to coerce Tom Tom into cooperation, but he refuses to find a satellite signal because it's deathly overcast out. I have to blindly find my way to campus across the city. I check the simulation, and it's still not working. Then I have class for 3 hours. By the time I get back to my car, I haven't seen home in 13+ hours. I'm exhausted, and decided to call J. J and we get into a fight because I'm so tense. And then it happens. The meltdown begins. I feel utterly trapped by a life of my own making, and I'm only hurting myself and the ones around me with my frustration.
This morning, Wednesday morning, I wake up and my mom asks me if I was crying last night. I instantly burst into tears again. But it felt good to let it out, to finally admit that I feel defeated by stress. I have to tell myself that this too shall pass. Graduate school will not last forever, this project will not last forever, I will be able to have a normal life again one day. I just hope and pray I won't lose my sanity before then.
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